Alone In Penn Station

I tried again to give my best in this city of iron, I always have the feeling that maybe luck will smile at me on the next trip or the next point.

This time I had it all planned out, and a sense of satisfaction invaded me for a few moments, it rained, it was cold, but I was happy, I was sure this time will be the final.

Among my positive sensations, my heart said "don't worry" after all it's another day. Yes, maybe it's another day, but also another day when this city takes a piece of my soul.

I wanted to believe and hope for the best, I arrived with the joy of a kid who is ready to try her first ice cream, but in the end, the result was the same, it is not enough, never is. Nothing is.

I looked at my situation and accepted it, it was minutes of anger, resignation and finally decided not to worry about it. I walked and the rain kept pouring, nothing bothered me anymore, I'm becoming immune to the weather, to the people, to the feelings.

I had nothing more to do but to go on, I kept going with my plan, lunch with my friend, a coffee, a few beers, some laughter, always with the resignation impregnated in my skin.

The hours passed and I was still between the iron architecture, sometimes I feel that the buildings make a crack that resembles a laugh when I walk into them. Is the city making fun of my naivety?

After a while, you and I were back in the same place, same sensations and smell, my excitement of sharing with you made me forget the time, we laughed, we read poetry, you taught me more about how to survive in this blood-hungry giant city and then it was time to leave.

When I got to the station it was already too late, and again the anxiety started to eat me, I did it again, I made the same mistake when I will learn? I keep paying for the hazing in every respect. I can see the vultures that smell my fresh blood and they won't wait for me to be dead to try to devour me.

I have become that person, I was surrounded by all the homeless, I felt that we were one for a moment, lost, abandoned, desperately looking for a way out, some had given up hope, I still can't abandon it.

I remember seeing the lights and walking around aimlessly. What to do? In my attempt again to be free today, I ended up chaining others. And then there's you, the one who didn't do anything wrong, you have your right and I've lost mine, how far shame will drag me?

In the darkest hour, I felt my mother whisper in my ear, I heard her, I felt her, her smile, and there she was, but I was already moving to another place. That call was the call that changed my life forever. You helped me, yes, but then I got lost, I'm sorry mother.

I lost track of space and ended up in this park that once saw me laugh in Harlem and because fate likes the irony of taking us in circles, now I was crying tree-bound and staring at the moon.

How did this happen to me? I'm afraid to step on your house, hers, his, everybody's. It's just that I don't have mine, because I've lost it, and now tonight I've lost more than that.

Your eyes and mine met. We're ashamed, but you're not to blame, it's not your fault, it's not your duty, and I am the one to blame for everything. We already said all the words.

- Is there anything else to say?. I asked

-No. He said

-Sorry

-I'm sorry, too!

-Hold me it's cold, and I'm afraid!. I said

-Come here

-I have something to tell you

-I'm listening

-My life has changed tonight

-What can I do for you?

-Nothing, you've done everything, more than you should, and because of that, I thank you.

My body trembles, I shudder and I'm terrorized about the future

-I'm still going to be here for you. He said

-Thank you, I'd like to wake up and not be in my skin

-You're going to be fine. He whispered

My tears fall on your chest, I hear your slow heartbeat, I cry for everything and nothingness, for what I had and no longer have, for what I could have and lost, for what it will come and will also vanish, for the chains that now tie my ankles, because I won't be able to fly anymore.

I'm sure now NY, no more hazing time, or mistakes, no late-night calls, or desperate moments, you won't see me like this again, ever again, you've taken everything from me, now it's time to get back everything I gave to you. When I get to Penn next time, I'll be ready, armed to the teeth, no more improvised heroes, I'll be my own, I'll win this battle ALONE.